


... at a crossroads

by Sonny



Series: DDHForum X-Mas Prompts [1]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance, X-Mas Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-25
Updated: 2009-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-14 21:24:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/153603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian is at a crossroads, ready to make an important decision ; based on or around the song “Listen” by Beyonce.</p>
            </blockquote>





	... at a crossroads

**Author's Note:**

> An X-Mas Prompt Challenge on DDHForum; responses filled for ADE...

**Christmas - December 2009**

 

"Don't." The voice spoke low, yet commanding. 

"But I wasn't going to--" Justin shut up quickly, staring ahead through the windshield. 

"Just. Don't." Brian chopped a hand down to stress his point. He shook his head, turning away to look out the driver's side window as he pinched his lips. Hazel eyes narrowed slightly. "... you mean to tell me, you've known _for a full week_... and you've said - _nothing_?" 

Justin shrugged off his nonchalance, not understanding this particular need to discuss _this_ topic at _this_ exact moment. "I didn't think it was _my place_ to--" 

"Your _place_?!" Brian swiveled his head around, sensing his face heating up with exacerbation. "What the fuck _hasn't_ been going on in that pea-brain head of yours for you to simply-- _here's a wild-n-crazy idea_ \--come an' fuckin' _talk_ to me?" 

"It _is_ your life, Brian." 

Brian took a hard swallow because nine times out of ten Justin would be right, but this wasn't one of those times. He had hoped Justin would've realized the importance, even though he hadn't gone the right way in finding out the news. 

Brian looked over the steering wheel, blinking in a rhythm of forced patience. "Whether you wanna admit it or not, it _is_ yours too." He frowned slightly, wondering just what Justin had up his sleeve or if this was a true ignorant moment. He turned off the engine, cupping the cooling keys in the palm of his hand. Brian sat calmly in mild contemplation. Maybe he assumed too much, maybe he was putting too much confidence in what Justin _did_ feel for him. But having no reaction at all was not what he had imagined happening. "... okay... fine..." He nodded his head as if coming to a final decision. Maybe whatever they had was difficult enough to define while in it, making this tougher to back away from and move on. To realize they had tapped out of what had been between them, neither of them and nothing could salvage its existence. Especially not distance, a massive ocean away. Brian already had his hand on the door handle, prepared to exit once he made his point. "If this is all you have to say on the subject, you can officially mark it off your 'What To Talk About' list. It's mine. All mine. My decision. My--whatever ends up coming out of my own choices. You don't get to say one word about this to anyone. If I hear one peep from someone we know that I don't know- _knows_... you're out." He was about to open the door wider, stick a foot out to place flat on the street surface. 

"Out?" Justin was only a bit confused, his mind immediately going to the drastic "out" he had once feared happening. "Out _where_?" 

Brian kept one foot out, one foot in, and leaned back in the reclined seat. "Where do you think, _Sunshine_?" The smirk from the side of his mouth gave off the instant gratification of having possibly said the last word, putting an end the topic at hand. No more talk to be had about it, at least not from Justin. 

"Don't." Justin got out of the car, slamming his door as he watched Brian pour himself out of the vehicle. It was to show how unaffected Brian was about what had just occurred. How easily Brian could move on-- _away_ \--without him, like Justin didn't even matter. "You know I hate it when you call me _that_." The last part was mumbled under breath as he tucked himself away from the freezing wind picking up. "... _especially in that condescending tone of yours_..." 

"... _whatever_..." Brian rolled his eyes, then his shoulders, adjusting his suit jacket over his soft cotton shirt. He wore no tie-- _thank god--_ but still looked stylish in his dressed-down version of an informal outfit. Just because everyone else decided to horn in on the "informality" of the atmosphere didn't mean Brian Kinney had to adhere to the dress code. A man of his means never showed up too dowdy, lest he miss out on the possibility of making a great first impression. 

He hit the security button on the key ring once he shut his own door, then paced up the line of cars along the street. Being fashionably late was his norm, so he knew he had to look as good as possible to detract from the instant dislike he knew would be coming from two pairs of lesbians' eyes zeroing in on him strolling casually into their home. Brian glanced only once to his right, catching Justin coming up on the sidewalk at a pace or two behind him. He noticed the frozen sourpuss face on the youthful features, upset because he hadn't gotten his way or utterly confounded by Brian's reaction to his non-reaction? 

Didn't matter. Brian was hoping Justin was working on being frustrated as well. 

_Christ!_ Another pre-holiday Christmas bash before the _actual_ holiday. Brian would've rather have come to this alone, but everyone kept at him about Justin. When they couldn't get a clear comment from him, they had pestered Justin if he would show as Brian's "date". It would've been uncouth-- _not to mention un-gentlemanly and quite Scrooge-ish_ \--of Brian to _not_ invite Justin with him. He really didn't have to think twice. 

That was before Brian felt like ripping Justin's head off, with good reason. Nobody liked a snoop. Not even Brian Kinney. 

 [LISTEN by Beyonce](http://www.4shared.com/audio/_Lzwvfht/07_Beyonce_-_Listen.html?dirPwdVerified=d81c0cd6)

 **#####################**

_**Listen to the song here in my heart**_

_**A melody I start but can't complete**_

_**Listen to the sound from deep within**_

_**It's only beginning to find release**_

 

 _ **Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard**_

_**They will not be pushed aside and turned**_

_**Into your own all 'cause you won't**_

_**Listen**_

 

 _ **Listen, I am alone at a crossroads**_

_**I'm not at home in my own home**_

_**And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind**_

_**You should have known**_

 

**####**

 

"Brian, seriously, what did you _expect_ him to say?" 

Brian ran fingers through his once perfectly combed hair. Now the long bangs hung low on his forehead. He would've heard the slight intake of a breath had he been paying closer attention, his mind fumbling around on why it was bothering him so much that Justin had no reaction at all to his news. Of course Justin had time to let it sink in, so when Brian eventually told him it was almost anti-climactic. 

Brian was seated, slightly forward, with elbows nearing his kneecaps. He looked up with a small grin on his face, eyes following Michael around the room they were alone in. "--hey, maybe it's a _good_ thing. Makes the separation go down easier." Brian attempted to pull off this cool attitude of having Teflon-coating, but it was clear he had been injured and was hurting. On simple principle not true emotional upheaval. Yet again, someone who loved him failing him, letting him down in the worst way possible. 

Brian had made everything he was about his career, the mere idea of someone not being proud or supportive made him moody, tempermental and a bit grim. He would get over it by the next day but it would sit in his gut for future reference, always coming out at the most inopportune times. Still thinking he wasn't good enough. The only one who understood _that-_ -understood _him_ \--was Michael. And Brian had told Michael the minute he had found out. 

Michael walked over to Brian, standing a good height above him to look down into those familiar features. Brown eyes darted back-n-forth, imagining never seeing them as readily and easily as he could now. The idea made his heart beat fast, quite painfully. He reached out, both hands under-cupping along Brian's throat to the back of the nape where fingers interlocked. He wanted to say so much, so much that was buried deep inside.

Even the occasional moments of their eyes catching was an attempt to convey a _feeling:_ of loss and of heartache, but also of pride and respect. Michael always admired the way Brian could have such lofty goals and achieve them without fail. Of course there were sacrifices-- _moments of a normal life that had to be forsaken_ \--but in the end there was always going to be an affection for a brilliance Michael would never have. A manner of letting go of simple things in order to gain a broader acceptance. 

For all Brian's talk of _not_ wanting to live the life of a Straight, he sure tried his hardest to be one step further ahead of them than anyone else. 

Michael's hands moved forward slightly, settling on the wide shoulders. One side of his mouth lifted in a smirk. "You know I'm proud of you, don't you?" 

Brian nodded his head, bowing chin to chest. He couldn't bear to look too long into those brown eyes or he would change his mind again. Ever since he found out what his future could be-- _what Kinnetic's future could be_ \--he had thought of nothing _but_ Michael. He closed his lids once he felt the fingers combing through his hair. 

Michael knew what Brian's reason for silence was. He would always know. "Stop thinking about me--about _us_. This would be the best decision you could ever make for Kinnetic." 

Brian hooked one arm over one of Michael's wrists. "--or the _worst_." He could fail at this, just like he had feared with a move to New York City. He turned toward the forearm near his face, leaning in. 

That's when Michael felt the urge to draw Brian close, close to his chest, cheek flat to his belly. He bent to kiss the crown of the head, hand petting down the back of the soft strands to cup the neck, sliding over the span of shoulders. He knew why Brian held off on making a final decision and he didn't want that to hold Brian back from success or greatness. 

" ** _I_** will be fine." Michael reminded Brian, feeling him turn into his shirt, reaching up with one, then two hands to gather fists into the cotton fabric. 

"-- _I know--_ " Mumbled low, there was a dry sob of release, from whom neither knew. They both were feeling the same shock of pain. Good thing the shirt was thick material and not tucked in. Brian had a rough grip. 

The mere hold turned into a full-on embrace of the two friends, neither aware of the soft knock on the door... or the curious eyes catching their affectionate, tight body-lock. 

 

 **#####################**

_**Oh, now I'm done believing you**_

_**You don't know what I'm feeling**_

_**I'm more than what you made of me**_

_**I followed the voice you gave to me**_

_**But now I've gotta find my own**_

 

 _ **You should have listened, there is someone here inside**_

_**Someone I thought had died so long ago**_

_**Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard**_

_**They will not be pushed aside on words**_

_**Into your own all 'cause you won't**_

_**Listen**_

 

 _ **Listen, I am alone at a crossroads**_

_**I'm not at home in my own home**_

_**And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind**_

_**You should have known**_

 

**####**

 

At first, he wasn't sure when a good time was to mention _his_ news, but he understood it had to be done now or else-- _or else it would get out of hand and feelings would be hurt_. Ones that didn't need to be. 

Trouble was that his worst moment was feared. That his own news would get lost in someone else's news. Around the holidays, people tended to find that huge gatherings were great occasions to make life-changing decisions, then announcing them to everyone in attendance. 

Brian's news wasn't any different. He kept catching Michael's eyes over the table. 

Neither were sitting at the head of the long retangualr table; those seats were for their hostesses, Lindsay and Melanie. Brian and Michael were on opposites sides of the huge dining table at the opposite ends of the shape. It was more for placement settings, not actual choice. They were also seated near their respected "others" - Ben to Michael's left, Justin on Brian's right. There were moments shared of eye rolling, small, goofy grins and outright choking on red wine.

It was an interesting bunch of folks at this holiday feast. Much conversation, loud and rambunctious at times, but never a dull moment. 

Brian was settling his eyes back down on his plate, readjusting the linen napkin over his left thigh. From time to time, he would set his elbows on the table surface, folding his fingers into each other. It was mainly to gaze about the strange yet familiar faces and pondering the possibility of _never_ seeing them again. He didn't ever contemplate the day where he would actually feel sadness at the thought. He had hoped he would've been long gone from Pittsburgh years ago for this very reason. Becoming too attached to people. Building relationships that would one day vanish, like always. 

About the second time he tugged at the cream-colored napkin, Brian noticed Ben push back his chair a little, about to rise. This piqued his curiosity to no end. Michael momentarily yanked on Ben's elbow, trying to stop him, but then Ben's pure strength won out. 

Hazel eyes should've followed his adversary's motion upward, but they never left Michael's face, which was bowed over his own plate, staring downcast and solemn. The pale lids shut closed, dark lashes clouding the skin below. 

_"Everyone--I hope this doesn't interrupt the spirit of the evening."_ Ben took a breath to move on. _"I can't tell you how--appreciative I've been that you've warmly accepted me into this tiny band of family."_ There were mumbled comments flowing down the table. Ben tucked his thumbs in the back pockets of his corduroys. He looked achingly uncomfortable and pale. 

Brian kept his gaze steadily on Michael, who eventually looked up and released a small smile. It ghosted over his face, appearing painful and forced. _"--oh... jeezus."_ He mumbled under his breath, his own heart picking up pace. 

One of Ben's hands went to smooth down his chest, remaining over the abdomen to nervously pat a rhythm. _"It seems that--an opportunity has come that can't be passed up..."_

Brian could've sworn Ben was stealing _his_ thunder and _his opening line_ for his own speech. Finally brown eyes caught hazel and one perplexed eyebrow rose in question. Michael shook his head, bowing his head once again. Brian was forgetting to pay close attention to the importance of the words coming out of Ben's mouth. 

_"--and I know this was known before, but--this time it_ _ **is**_ _too good to be true."_ Ben glanced down at Michael, reaching out to cup a palm around a shoulder joint. _"Michael and I have thought long and hard over this decision--and I want you to know the choices we have made were not done lightly or without knowing the consequences."_

There was even more hushed commotion once Ben retook his chair. 

Then out of the awkward silence came one cold comment and blunt question. _"--so you're leaving Michael."_ There was a slight gasp heard around the room. _"--are you intending to get a divorce?"_

... and neither had come from Brian's mouth. 

 

 **######################**

_**Oh, now I'm done believing you**_

_**You don't know what I'm feeling**_

_**I'm more than what you made of me**_

_**I followed the voice you gave to me**_

_**But now I've gotta find my own**_

 

 _ **I don't know where I belong**_

_**But I'll be moving on**_

_**If you don't, if you won't**_

 

 _ **Listen to the song here in my heart**_

_**A melody I start but I will complete**_

 

 _ **Oh, now I'm done believing you**_

_**You don't know what I'm feeling**_

_**I'm more than what you made of me**_

_**I followed the voice you think you gave to me**_

_**But now I've gotta find my own, my own**_

 

**####**

 

Brian had been avoiding most people all evening, trying to get a chance to speak to Michael alone. But with the shock of Ben's news, Michael never had a moment to himself. That was until he was leaving, right after Ben had left on his own to go "work on glutes" or something muscle-related to his legs. He didn't really have a plan. He had basically been hiding out near the jackets, intent on ambushing Michael on the way out the door. He stole the exact coat that belonged to Michael, folding the material over his crossed forearms as he patiently waited near the stairs. 

Brian knew Michael well enough to spot the actual seconds that ticked down when the constant attention was too much; as were the rubs to his back, the barrage of encouraging words and the promises of making the time apart from Ben seem less traumatic. He doubted everyone could live up to those expectations since Brian knew Michael's time was his own these days, barely even following the same routine like he did a mere two years ago. A new baby, marriage and family, having a home--all of that tended to eat up time once spent recklessly, selfishly. Brian didn't think Michael even cared anymore about "other fishes in the sea", and he sure wasn't going to waste his time falling in love with another man, only to have him leave or reject him again. 

These days having a relationship almost constituted actual _work_ involved. That was unless you already had someone waiting in the wings to pick up where the last jerk left off. 

Brian smiled, sniffing out a snort of air through his nostrils as he caught sight of Michael glancing over at him, while Lindsay prattled on-n-on about arranging for another party--sometime around New Year, maybe--and it being nothing but an intimate dinner of singles. At least she was giving Michael a few weeks to regroup and breathe. Surprisingly, Debbie was less vocal than usual or maybe it was because she was spending quality time with her grand-baby. Brian had anticipated the mother and son confrontation, that the ordeal would end up being the reason Michael stormed out the door. Nah, instead, it was a rather subdued exit, only marred by the distant glare from blue eyes. 

From afar, Brian had given a signal to Justin to keep away. As everyone dispersed about the home with coffee and dessert after dinner, he had taken Justin aside and almost ripped him a new asshole. Justin had been the awkward commenter, asking the extremely personal question about a divorce. Brian hadn't been impressed. He had not only been made to look the fool, but the one who had brought the "shit-stirrer". 

Brian was the only one who understood why Justin had been so insensitive, still didn't mean he wasn't ashamed or embarrassed. Justin's idea of "utter perfection" was bursting right before his naive eyes. If Ben and Michael hadn't been able to make a relationship work that meant worse for he and Brian. Unfortunately, Justin hadn't stopped there. 

Not even after Ben had begrudgingly answered the "divorce" inquiry. He assumed whom was right and wrong, nearly calling Michael out for being a "cheater". After all, Justin could have sworn he had seen some _peculiar closeness_ between Brian and Michael, so of course it would all be Michael's fault. Justin had known better than to attack Michael, but Brian supposed he had been responsible for the "lit fuse" on that firecracker. Brian felt responsible though he was upset with Justin more; decorum and formality was everything and pouring gasoline on an already burning fire simply wasn't done. Not in public and not in front of family and friends around the holidays. 

Brian pushed off the wooden stair railing, shaking out the material of the coat. Michael looked up at him, gave a tiny eye-roll as he turned to stuff his right arm, first, into the open sleeve. Brian never let go of the fabric, even when Michael sped up the process. 

"Brian, you don't have to--" 

Brian ignored the protest, his hands playing about the soft suede, then over the span of shoulder blades. "Why didn't you say _some_ thing?" This was the first time he had gotten to say a word to Michael after the big news Ben had dropped. Brian hadn't even been able to mention a thing pertaining to his _own_ news, but that wasn't important anymore. He wasn't hurt, more like stunned. Brian did ache for Michael. What a shitty thing to do to someone you professed to love around the holidays. Brian was fixing the tucked-in coat collar, not caring when his fingertips brushed lightly over the back of Michael's neck, along the shaggy hairline. He never caught the slight shiver to Michael's body. Or the way his hot breath affected Michael, skimming down the inside of the coat material and over skin, causing Michael to go momentarily still. 

Michael turned his head to glance over his shoulder at Brian. "You've had _other things_ on your mind." He knew it was a sorry excuse, but it was the truth. 

Brian spun Michael around, playfully grabbing the coat lapels like he would comically head-butt the furrowed brow. "You--are not a _thing_ to me, Michael." 

Michael was quietly chuckling, honestly believing that next he was going to be teased by Brian. Except when he glanced up, he caught those hazel eyes and read something bittersweet in them. It was as if Brian _truly_ felt sorrow for him. Not pity, there could be some residual heartbreak still. That steadfast soul must have been shaken by Ben's news. "--tell me... wha--what is it?" 

Brian darted his gaze over Michael's face, gently releasing the coat from his grip. "--the loft. In an hour." 

"Uh... yeah..." Michael sensed the bad idea of a decision like that, but he had also been greatly missing his best friend. And if Brian actually made the choice he feared he _would_ make for his future, Michael wanted to spend as much time together as humanly possible. After balancing himself off Brian's body, he reached into his pockets to pull out gloves and scarf. As Michael's head was bent, moving about to dress for outdoors, he spoke. "I'll, uh... run home to check on things but--" 

"... I could follow you home..." Brian spoke as low, and whispery, as Michael had talked. 

"... no, no..." There was a tiny shake to his head. "The loft is fine." Michael gave out a hurried smile. "What about-- _you know_?" His head gestured backward toward Justin. 

Brian smirked, then went about making sure Michael was secured into his coat, no chance of cold seeping through. "He's been _grounded_." They both shared a small snicker. "--nah, he's staying here for the night, watching Gus and Jenny tomorrow for Mel and Linds." 

Michael's eyes dropped to Brian's mouth. He bit tentatively at his own bottom lip. "--this isn't--I'm not--we're just _talking_ , right?" 

Brian couldn't help but smile broadly for the first time tonight. "Stop worrying." He chucked one hand under Michael's chin. "I'll be taking good care of you." He tugged Michael in for a quick embrace, trying not to give off too much of their _business_ to anyone watching. "Go! I'll see you later!" 

Michael laughed outright as Brian loudly stated the last portion. Brian was awful at pretending to _not_ look suspicious. "I'll call you." 

"You do that!" Brian watched Michael disappear through the door. He waited a minute or two, staring at the floor before he swiveled to head down the small hall into the kitchen. As he reached the middle counter island, he started picking at the leftover food, moving to take out a drink from the fridge. On his way around, attempting to retrace his steps, Brian nearly bumped into Justin. 

_**"... whoa! Watch it!"**_ Brian reached out to grasp Justin's biceps to hold him back in case he dropped food or glass and liquid. 

"... sorry." Justin mumbled, not "sorry" at all. 

"... yeah, I _know_..." 

"Can I tell you something?" 

Brian sighed inwardly, holding off on the eye-rolling. "Probably. But since I'm not speaking to you don't get upset if I just don't fuckin' care what you _do_ have to say." 

"Fine." Tight-lipped, Justin heavily sighed, continuing when Brian waited patiently, halting his steps away. "Leave him be. Don't see him tonight." He didn't have to hear one word uttered between them to know they would eventually meet up together, privately. 

Brian rose a curious eyebrow, but never once looked _at_ Justin. 

"Nothing _good_ can come from-- _this_." Justin didn't know what to call _it_ , though he hated the way _it_ followed him every second he knew Brian and Michael spent time alone, too often to make him feel comfortable they weren't always up to something intimate between them. 

Brian nodded his head, appearing totally bored at what Justin had stated out loud. "You done? Can I go see _my son_ now?" 

Justin backed away further, having to use part of the counter to hold himself upright. He took a hard swallow, the alcohol having given him way-more courage than he was used to. For once, he was actually cognizant of having made a bad choice and possibly starting the ruination of his own life. 

Brian exited as if the words were more encouraging than intentionally cruel. He would've probably agreed with Justin if he didn't have this nagging feeling that situations were happening separately between he and Michael to help bring them together at this point in their lives.

All Brian knew was he wouldn't allow another missed opportunity pass him by without taking advantage. He was sure Michael felt the same. Or at least he hoped so... 

 

**the end.**


End file.
